Chuck Has 99 Problems, and the Angels Are All of Them
by 2idiotswithacomputer
Summary: The angels have caused a lot of problems over the past few billion years. No wonder Chuck left. Bunch of one-shits on a bunch of ways various angels have exasperated Chuck. Rated T for language
1. Drifting Away

**A/N: We're so sorry. This is going to be a series of one-shots on how the angels have messed everything up. We, as a couple of teenagers, find this hilarious. Also, we suck at grammar. And spelling. Well, at least I do. There are two of us. Also, we do this crap instead of like, going to the homecoming game or something. This is what we do with our time. Yup.**

 **Disclaimer: We don't own Supernatural or the characters.**

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Chapter 1: Drifting away

It was a normal day on Earth, a few billion years after The Beginning. Castiel, who was equivalent of a 15 year old human, was relaxing on the banks of a lake in Pangea. He wanted to get away from his annoying family. They were always "Oh Castiel, come help me with this mountain range" and "Castiel, it's your destiny. You must clean out the ocean of bacteria.". Stupid God and His stupid destiny. Why couldn't his stupid 'destiny' be relaxing on the beaches of Pangea?

Suddenly, Chuck (read: God) showed up behind him. "Castiel. You were supposed to clean out the ocean a millennia ago! I've told you like 10 times!"

Castiel continued to ignore Him, and Chuck sighed. "Teenagers." He muttered. "What are you even doing on Earth, anyway? It's not like there's anything interesting here yet, it's just one chunk of land."

Chuck continued attempting to get to Castiel, reaching a hand toward him to bring him back to Heaven. Suddenly, Castiel leapt up and angrily stomped his foot on the ground. The Earth began to shake and large cracks appeared between Castiel and Chuck. The ocean began to fill the crack, forming a large body of water.

As he began to drift away, Castiel screamed, "SCREW YOU DAD! I'M ON A DIFFERENT CONTINENT NOW!"

"Teenagers." Chuck sighed.

 ****A Few Days Later****

From Heaven, a loud shout could be heard. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! Gabriel followed me to my continent!"


	2. Frozen

**So, yeah. Here's another. We have a bunch of ideas, its just a matter of typing them and getting decent stories out of them. This one is much longer than the last! Yay us!**

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Chapter 2: Frozen

"So, hypothetically speaking, how would you feel if the Earth was covered in ice?" Chuck looked up from where He was working on a new creation to see Gabriel standing at his desk, looking guilty.

He sighed. "What did you do this time?"

Gabriel shifted nervously. "Weeeeeellll…"

"Gabriel…" Chuck said disapprovingly.

"I may have accidently-accidently is the key word here-put a bunch of ice on Earth."

Chuck stared. "How exactly did you manage that?"

"OK, so I had just woken up-"

Chuck sighed. "Gabriel, you don't sleep."

"Not the point! Anyway, I'd just woken up and it was a really nice sunny day in Heaven-"

"It's always sunny in Heaven."

"Stop interrupting! Anyway, it was a nice sunny day, and I decided to visit Earth for a bit..."

 **...**

"Michael!" Gabriel shouted at his older brother, who had been walking away and ignoring him for the past few hours. "Michael! Michael! Michael!"

After no response from him, he began using his angel powers to shoot random chunks of ice in his direction, continuing to repeat his name as the older archangel continued to walk the opposite direction.

What seemed like forever passed with Gabriel's shouts and ice fragments and Michael's constant attitude of 'If I ignore it for long enough, it will go away eventually'.

Michael was wrong. He didn't go away. He _never_ went away.

Finally, Michael turned around to face him, annoyed. "Gabriel, you've said my name so many times that it no longer sounds like a word-"

Michael was quickly hit with the realization that his little shit of a brother, as he liked to put it, had just majorly screwed up Earth. "Gabriel, what did you _do?"_ Michael asked, looking to see that literally everything was covered in gigantic glaciers.

"You were ignoring me, so I started throwing ice at you and-" Gabriel started, then he looked up for the first time in two days, realizing the mess he had actually just created. "Oh."

Michael groaned, then said, "You know you're telling Father about this, right?"

"Why do you always say 'Father', you stuck up prat-"

 **...**

"And then I, being mature and responsible, decided to come and tell you." Gabriel finished. Chuck looked at him, rubbing His face with His hand in exasperation.

"So, let me get this straight. You went down to Earth to talk to Michael, who ignored you, and then as you attempted to talk to him, he pushed you and then suddenly the Earth was covered in ice?"

Gabriel nodded, feigning innocence.

"Yup."

"And if I called him, that's what he'd tell me?"

"Uh-huh."

Michael walked in, and turned to Gabriel. "First of all, I had to drag you here, kicking and screaming. Second of all, that's not how it went!"

"Yeah? Prove it!"

As the two began bickering, Chuck put His face in His hands. "Stop arguing, please."

They ignored Him.


	3. Why Couldn't The T-Rex Clap His Hands?

**Holy shit we got a lot of views. Also hi. Just a heads up we PLAN on updating every few days or so. Depends.**

Chapter 3: Why Couldn't The T-Rex Clap His Hands? Because He's Dead

"Dad, I'm going to need a lift back into Heaven. Long story short, I have now taken the form of a small rodent, and there are no more dinosaurs."

Chuck sighed as he got the message from Balthazar, putting His face in His hands. He brought His son back into Heaven with an exasperated snap of His fingers.

"Come on Balthazar, the dinosaurs? I liked the dinosaurs, everyone liked the dinosaurs! What did you do that for?" He questioned, still disappointed that yet another of His creations had been destroyed out of nowhere.

"Hey, don't get like that, so did I! It wasn't exactly on purpose!" the angel defensively answered. Chuck groaned.

"Alright, alright. So how did the dinosaurs go extinct?" Balthazar rubbed the back of his neck nervously, not looking at Chuck.

"Well, funny story. I was, ah, drinking and then I may or may not have gotten a little too drunk-."

"How drunk is too drunk?" Chuck asked, looking at Balthazar intently. "We've talked about this. Just because you're an immortal being and just because alcohol won't be invented on earth for another 65 million years or so does _not_ mean that you get to, quote, 'live life to the fullest'. Especially when you do that by getting drunk and causing messes every other decade. I thought you agreed not to drink for 10,000 years?" Balthazar protested,

"Oh come on! It's almost been 10,000 years!"

"It's been 5,756. Not 'nearly' 10,000." Balthazar waved his hand dismissively.

"Detail, details. That's besides the point. Anyways, I got a little too drunk-maybe a lot drunk. I don't really remember much. I do remember that I accidently fell from Heaven and landed on Earth, and the impact of me hitting that large ball of rock caused some minor catastrophic disasters to occur, which killed the dinosaurs. And a bunch of other things too. Not the point. The real problem-" And here Chuck groaned internally, knowing that He was going to have to deal with Balthazar's complaining about being a small rodent for the next several millennia."-is that I had to be a small rodent! I mean come on! That was annoying. So I think that makes up for the whole killing-off-everyone's-favorite-animals thing."

Chuck stared at him, unimpressed. "You're grounded."


	4. Good Night Moon and Murderous Child

**Yeah, so, we didn't update. A little something called End Of The Quarter happened and everything blew up. As in between the two of us we had 13 tests in two weeks and everything was terrible.** **BTW feel free to leave a review if you have any criticism or ideas you want us to do. We're going to run out.**

Chapter 4: Good Night Moon; Good Night Murderous Child

"No! No! No!" toddler Lucifer shouted, banging his hands on the ground. " No want nap! No nap!" Chuck stared down at him sternly, already tired of His son's tantrum, which had been going on for the past several minutes. Reaching down for Lucifer, He said,

"Well, you're getting one." Lucifer, in his anger, bit his father with all the might of his two-year old body. "Ow!" Chuck shouted, rubbing his hand where tiny tooth marks were already fading. He glared at the teenage Michael, who was standing in the corner, openly snickering.

Chuck sighed, he was at his last straw. "That's it." Ignoring Lucifer's screaming and crying, He grabbed him and carried him over His shoulder towards the child's room. "You're getting a nice long nap, no matter if you like it or not." Suddenly, there was a shriek, much louder than before, and much louder than Michael had ever produced as a child (Though to be fair, Michael had always been a good child while growing up. _He_ always went to bed when it was time.). In His momentary panic, He dropped the small angel just as He realized the source of the noise. But then it was too late. Lucifer had teleported to Earth. The small archangel quickly looked around the planet, releasing a wave of energy across the entire planet in his anger. As he had no vessel, every living creature within a 2000 mile radius was quickly taken out because of the sheer amount of energy released from his true form. By the time Chuck had retrieved him, almost everything there had been wiped out.

"Son-" He started when they returned to Heaven. Lucifer stared back innocently, wide eyes blinking up at Him as if nothing had even happened at all. "Are you aware that you just destroyed 99% of all life on my planet?"

The archangel's wide eyes blinked once, then he feigned sympathy and shook his head. "No Daddy. I don't know what you talkin' 'bout." He said, the epitome of cuteness with his wide eyes, innocent smile, and slight lisp. He would have had his Father completely wrapped around his finger, had it not been for Michael.

"Of course he's aware! Because he's a little shit!" the teenage archangel butted in after staying out of it up until that point. "Don't let those stupid little eyes fool you, Lucifer is-"

"That's enough, Michael." Chuck sighed. "And Lucifer, you're going-" Before Chuck could continue, He received the most murderous look He had ever seen from the child, then he stopped. "You know what, you just stay awake now. I give up. "


	5. Michael Screws Up

**Look at us! A new chapter in less than week! And this one is much longer than the others, we almost broke 1k! Please review and tell us what you think, or if you have and ideas you want us to use. Thank you to oniforever and Morgana-Mikaelson for your lovely reviews, it makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside.**

Chapter 5: Michael Fucks Shit Up and Accidentally Creates the Moon

Michael, being the oldest of the archangels, had been given the privilege from his father of being able to design and create his own planet. The only restriction was that it had to be smaller than Earth, his Father's favored planet (something about throwing off the gravitational pull or some crap; Michael didn't really care). Being the mature angel that he was, he had gratefully accepted. He was going to create the best planet he could.

He got to work, first forming the generic round shape of a planet, before hitting a dead end-creator's block to be exact. He needed to make his planet special, but he didn't know how.

After mulling it over for a bit without getting anywhere, Michael decided to visit the solar system his planet would be placed in for a bit of inspiration. However, before he'd even left Heaven, Lucifer had started following him.

"Michael! Where are you going? Are you leaving? Can I come? I want to come!" Michael groaned, and looked down at the bouncing ball of energy that Lucifer was. Lucifer was old enough to be able to leave Heaven, but Michael had to accompany him (after the incident with Saturn, it had been decided that Lucifer couldn't leave Heaven alone until he had fully matured). Lucifer had also not been allowed to create a planet, though he had practically begged their Father for it.

"No Lucifer, leave me alone." Lucifer looked at him sadly, pulling that adorable kicked puppy look Michael hadn't been able to resist since Lucifer was a toddler. "Fiiine," Michael grumbled, pretending not to notice his little brother's delighted look on his face as Lucifer hugged him, holding tightly to his stomach.

"Yay! Thanks, Mikey!" When he could breathe again, Michael held his brother by the arm and flew him to the asteroid belt around the planet Mars.

The older archangel continued his work where he had left off before, keeping a sharp eye on Lucifer (We didn't need a repeat of Saturn, now did we?). He had based the size off Mars to make sure it would be a good size compared to the rest (mainly because Mars was right in front of the pair now, and it was smaller than Earth, so it worked). He didn't copy any of the planets _exactly_ \- every young person knows the art of changing things up a bit to make it seem original, and archangels fall under that rule, too. Hey, not everyone had so much creativity that they could create endless amounts of different planets. So, he changed the color, until it was a satisfying shade of-

" _Gray?"_ Lucifer suddenly interrupted Michael's work. "Why gray? That looks disgusting."

"Planets don't have to look nice to be beautiful, Brother."

"But isn't that the exact definition of beautiful?"

Michael decided to ignore his little brother. Right now, he was working on more important things than listening to his annoying little shit of a brother.

"Michael, it looks small. Everyone knows: the bigger the better! Live a little-"

"Father said it has to be smaller than Earth. End of discussion."

A few moments passed, and Michael continued. He started perfecting the shape into the closest perfect little sphere that he could get, removing all those blemishes and making it a nice round planet.

He stood back, admiring the smooth surface he had somehow managed to create, all by himself. Even though it wasn't quite finished, he beamed with pride at the planet- it had to be one of his best creations so far. He enjoyed his moment until the peanut gallery behind his back spoke up again.

"Why are all the planets round anyway?" the younger of the two said. "I've been meaning to ask Dad for a while now. Why not a cube, or a triangle, or… Don't you think that would look way cooler?"

"Lucifer," Michael spoke through clenched teeth. "Could you _please_ stop insulting everything about my planet for no reason? It's incredibly childish."

"Well, I could…" Lucifer trailed off, "But nah, that thing's ugly."

If Michael continued working with this annoyance here, the next Saturn incident would end up being caused by _him._

"Okay, you know what, just keep your insults in your head. I don't want to hear them anymore."

"Fine." Lucifer surprisingly agreed. Michael got back to work. It was going fine for a while until angel radio started up.

 _Michael's planet looks like a butt, pass it on._

"Lucifer, for Father's sake, please! Just be quiet so I can work!"

"Okay, I can be quiet," he replied, very obviously stifling a smile. Michael dreaded whatever he was up to now, but he didn't have to for very long because soon enough he got an answer. "I can't say the asteroids can, though."

Before the archangel had any reaction, a cluster of the rocks from the asteroid belt came rapidly toward his new planet. Michael managed to avoid most of them, all except one.

One that hit Michael smack dab in the head. And that was the last straw for him.

In the heat of the moment, Michael didn't think and threw his planet right at Lucifer, who was standing in front of Earth. Lucifer quickly dodged it, narrowly avoiding being struck with the planet. However, Earth was not so lucky.

Michael watched as his precious planet smashed into Earth. Both brothers stared in disbelief at the rubble that was Earth and Theia, what Michael had decided to name his planet. Michael spun towards Lucifer. "You little shit! Look what you made me do!"

Lucifer, who'd gotten over his shock, responded with a smirk. "Nobody makes us do anything, Mike." Then he grinned. "I'm so telling Dad."

"What! No! Come on!"

Oh yeah? Why not?" Seeing Michael falter, Lucifer grinned even wider, before taking a deep breath and- "DAAAAAAAAAAAD! LOOK WHAT MICHAEL DID!"


	6. Viva La Pluto F You

**A/N: So. We haven't updated in two months. We kinda...got distracted by other things. Like, exams, and build season for our FRC team started and we had a ton of homework. But we have this now! Two things: One, it has been brought to our attention by Ninja Violinist that we had a typo in our description. We have decided to leave it, as it is hilarious. Two, we have a BIG chapter on the way. We've been planning it for a while, and we are working on it. Hopefully we get that out soon and it makes up for the time we spent not updating. Well, enough with that. Enjoy this cute, short story! BTW: this is connected to the last short story, so you might want to read that first.**

Chapter 6: Viva La Pluto Fuck You

Little Gabriel sighed as he flopped down in his room in Heaven. He wanted to make a planet, too! Just because he was only little, equivalent to a five year old, didn't mean he couldn't make something too! Mikey got to make something! He added a moon to Dad's favorite planet, but Gabriel wasn't technically allowed to.

Gabriel thought about this,pouting, then realized: nobody _told_ him he wasn't allowed to. So there! He was going to make a planet, all by himself! He didn't need help from his stupid big brothers. Gabriel held his pudgy hands together and concentrated hard. Slowly but surely, a small ball of rock formed in his hands. When it was about the size of his fists, he stopped, worn out. This creation thing was tiring! Proudly, he looked down at his planet. It was rocky and icy and..

"Perfect." He said aloud. He couldn't wait to show Mikey! Then Gabriel hid a yawn in his fist. Boy, was he tired! Maybe he'd take a quick nap first...

Michael was just returning to Heaven when he heard his baby brother's shout as Gabriel ran at him, screaming his name.

"Mikey Mikey Mikey! Look what I made! I wanted to make a planet like you guys so I made a planet just like you! Look! Look! Look! You like it! I think its pretty! Do you?"

Michael, or 'Mikey', smiled as he grabbed his baby brother from under the arms and pulled him up, so he was eye level with Michael. "What did you make?"

"This!" Michael had to lean back as Gabriel almost knocked him in the face with his...planet.

"Gabey..." Michael said cautiously. "This? It's too small to be..."

But before he could finish, Gabriel started tearing up, pulling that adorable face that Michael was sure Lucifer had taught him, the one Michael could never say 'No' to. "Wait-wait wait. Please don't cry! It's just perfect" He finished, panicking. "It will fit in perfectly!"

Gabriel sniffed "Re-really?"

"Yeah!" replied Michael. "See, I'll put it in the solar system." Hopefully It was far away from Earth that it wouldn't be noticed for a while. The important thing was that Gabriel never found out that his 'planet' was awfully small for a planet.

 **Year: 2006**

"Oh come on!" Shouted Gabriel from his LAZ-E boy, watching the news. "This is bullshit! Pluto is totally a planet! Somebody's going to pay for this!" Snapping his fingers, he vanished, presumably to make someone pay for demoting his planet.

In a house in Kripke's Hollow, Chuck felt His youngest archangel's anger and knew what it meant. Chuck sighed. Gabriel was not going to be nice to those poor scientists.


End file.
